Perfect Partners sample
Edwina and Jonathan have put their hostilities on hold while they deal with the morning mail.
EDWINA If you’re going to hang around here, make yourself useful.
JONATHAN Name the task?
EDWINA I haven’t looked at the mail. See if there’s anything worth bothering about.
JONATHAN Why not? One last time for nostalgia’s sake. (He scoops up the mail and starts opening letters. Edwina begins sorting out her groceries) Phone bill ― the red one.
EDWINA Bin.
JONATHAN And a complaint.
EDWINA Ditto.
JONATHAN Now this sounds more promising. (Reading) "Dear Perfect Partners, You nearly got it right this time. We both liked opera. We both liked tennis. We both liked Chinese food. The only thing we didn't like was each other." (He drops the letter in the bin) Ditto.
EDWINA Nobody paying yet?
JONATHAN Not so far. Another complaint. Calls us… "fraudulent charlatans".
EDWINA Bloody nerve!
JONATHAN I don't know. Sounds quite classy… “fraudulent charlatans". And she wants her five hundred quid back.
EDWINA Fat chance! This isn't a charity.
This letter is also consigned to the bin
JONATHAN And, last but not least, a completed application form.
EDWINA And five hundred quid! (She snatches the cheque that is attached to the form) OK. I’d better do the normal re-
That’ll bet he usual candidate for the Booker prize for fiction. (She gets a blank application form from the filing cabinet) Right. Fire ahead.Name?
JONATHAN (reading) “Mizz Olivia Gardener” ― as in green fingers.
EDWINA (writing) Miss Olivia Gardener. Address?
JONATHAN "Seven Montego Terrace".
EDWINA Worth a bob or two. Age?
JONATHAN "Young thirties".
EDWINA Thirty-
JONATHAN "Single".
EDWINA Eternal optimist. Occupation?
JONATHAN "Community Relations Consultant".
EDWINA Social worker. Describe your appearance?
JONATHAN "Homely".
EDWINA Back end of a bus.
JONATHAN And "cuddly".
EDWINA Overweight. Interests?
JONATHAN Quite a list. Starting with "occasional theatre".
EDWINA Went on staff Christmas outing to last year's pantomime.
JONATHAN "Keep fit. Jogging. Callanetics. Green issues. The environment.
Nuclear disarmament. Pollution. Animal rights"…
EDWINA Hold it! Hold it! Let's condense that. (She writes) Everything that's currently "in". Describe your ideal perfect partner?
JONATHAN "Healthy. Active. Handsome. Professional. Solvent. Caring. Generous".
EDWINA Meal ticket. Right. I'll fill in the minor details later.
JONATHAN Have we got any environmentally aware company directors who jog around nuclear power stations?