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First
performed by the Mercators at the Edinburgh round of the SCDA One Act Festival,
February 2006. First English performance by Killinghall Village People Productions at
Killinghall (near Harrogate).
Other
Performances
Campbeltown, Argyll.
Alberta, Canada. Renfrewshire.
Ardrishaig, Argyll.
Broughshane (near Ballymena), Northern Ireland, Boughton Monchelsea, Kent.
Surabaya, Indonesia. St Ives, near Bournemouth.
Abingdon Wallingford
Highly
Commended in the SCDA One Act Playwriting Competition.
Mercators take third place
at the Edinburgh round of the 2006 SCDA Festival.
Peninver Players take
third place at the Argyll Kintyre round
of the 2007 SCDA Festival.
Renfrewshire Young Farmers
Club are winners of the 2007 Clyde & Central District round of the
YFC Drama Festival and also take the best actor and best actress awards. At the
West
Region Festival they are runners up and again take the best actress award.
"A witty
comedy... beautifully written. The words sparkled from the page"
- Festival Adjudicator
"We
have thoroughly enjoyed performing this excellent play and the
audience in Campbeltown were in stitches" - Peninver Players
"Extremely funny" - Bournemouth Echo
"We had great fun rehearsing it and it was very well received by our
audience" - Wootton Players
"Extremely
funny... a wonderful choice of script"
- NODA Review
Published by New Theatre Publications
Synopsis
Charlie Brown's day
in hospital begins very well. His devoted wife is at his bedside; a scene of
conjugal bliss, that is until another female visitor arrives. When she reveals
that she is also Mrs Brown, it looks like Charlie's got some explaining to do.
As his previously secret life is hilariously disentangled, a third female visitor
arrives, also claiming to be Mrs Brown. You'd think Charlie's day couldn't get
much worse - but it does.
The
Characters
Charlie Brown
– a hospital patient, late
forties or older
Samantha
– a young nurse
Joanne
– a hospital visitor,
slightly younger than Charlie
Evelyn
– another visitor, aged
to match Charlie
Melissa
– another visitor, also
aged to match Charlie
(The age of the
cast is open to flexibility. Charlie, Evelyn and Melissa can be anywhere from
late forties to sixties or beyond, provided they are all roughly in the same age
bracket. Joanne can be younger, but is still “mature” compared with Samantha
– who should be as young as possible.)
The
Setting: A room in a town
or city hospital
(Approx
running time: 40 minutes)
Sample
Scene
This scene
begins at the point when Charlie's day takes a definite turn for the worse.
Joanne is already at his bedside. She is a sensible and plain dresser who acts
very efficiently as Charlie's secretary. His second female visitor, Evelyn,
thinks she's the last word in sophisticated elegance. She' s also a bit of a
snob.
Evelyn
enters. She is carrying a very decorative bouquet of flowers in gift wrapping.
EVELYN Hello, Charlie.
CHARLIE Evie, what are you doing here?
EVELYN Sorry I missed this morning.
Bit of a crisis with the dishwasher. (She turns to Sam) If you would be so kind
as to arrange these in a suitable vase?
SAM (taking the bouquet) Will do. (She turns to go)
EVELYN And nurse?
SAM
Yes?
EVELYN Do remember to cut the stems…
horizontally of course. And don’t forget to add this. (She produces a satchel
of plant feed from her bag)
SAM
Right-oh! (She exits)
EVELYN Am I not getting a kiss? Anyone
would think you weren’t pleased to see me. (He gives her a kiss, only too
aware of Joanne’s increasingly puzzled expression) And why are you wearing those pyjamas and
that dreadful dressing gown? Hospital issue, I presume?
JOANNE (rising) Certainly not. I brought them.
EVELYN You? Ah… are you some kind of
social worker?
JOANNE Charlie… Aren’t you going
to introduce me to your lady friend?
EVELYN (rising) His “lady friend”?
JOANNE Charlie?
He seems to be paralysed.
EVELYN Charlie Brown! Where are your
manners? Cat got your tongue? (But he can’t get a word out) Really! I’ll
introduce myself. (She offers her hand to Joanne) I’m Mrs Brown. Lovely to
meet you.
JOANNE Likewise. I’m Mrs Brown.
EVELYN Well, well. There’s a
coincidence. Fancy Charlie’s social worker being another Mrs Brown.
JOANNE Excuse me, I am not a social
worker. Let me explain. I’m Mrs Charlie Brown.
EVELYN That’s too much of a
coincidence. I am also Mrs Charlie Brown.
JOANNE You can’t be.
EVELYN I assure you I am.
JOANNE Charlie! Who is this woman?
CHARLIE (after a big struggle) She’s my wife.
EVELYN At last. Thank you.
JOANNE But I’m your wife.
EVELYN Has this person escaped from
some locked ward?
JOANNE I have not! Charlie – did
you, or did you not, marry me seven years ago?
CHARLIE Yes, I did.
EVELYN That’s preposterous! We’ve
been man and wife for twenty one years.
CHARLIE We have.
The horrible truth begins to sink in
JOANNE Are you saying you’re married
to both of us?
EVELYN At the same time?
CHARLIE Sorry, Evie.
EVELYN Don’t “Evie” me, you
lying cheat! (She advances on him)
CHARLIE (retreating) Now Evie… Evelyn… don’t do anything rash.
EVELYN Rash! I hope for your sake this
hospital has an accident and emergency department.
JOANNE (blocking Charlie’s retreat) Every time you said you were “on the
road”, you were cavorting with her!
EVELYN Excuse me. I have never
“cavorted” in my life. That’s what you were up to with my husband.
JOANNE He’s my husband too!
EVELYN Nonsense. You’re just his
mistress… his fancy woman.
JOANNE I am not a fancy woman!
EVELYN (looking her up and down) That’s true. (She turns on Charlie) As for
you, Charlie Brown! To think I’ve been married to a bigamist for twenty one
years.
JOANNE That’s not strictly correct,
Evelyn. He only became a bigamist when he married me.
EVELYN Who’s side are you on,
Joanne?
JOANNE Not his! There’s no possible
excuse for his sordid behaviour.
EVELYN Definitely not! What is your
excuse, you… snake in the grass?
CHARLIE I haven’t any. It just, sort of…
happened.
EVELYN Living with two people at the
same time doesn’t just “happen”. It took big scale planning and
deception to keep us apart until now. You must have a second home. So where’s your
secret love nest?
JOANNE I’d hardly call a small
rented flat in the high street a “love nest”.
EVELYN No wonder our paths have never
crossed. I’m nearly four miles away at Park Meadows.
JOANNE What? You mean one of those
fancy villas with the big gardens?
EVELYN That’s right.
JOANNE Charlie Brown! You’ve had me
cooped up in a poky rented flat while you’ve spent every penny on her!
CHARLIE It’s not like that Jo. It’s Evie…
Evelyn’s own place.
JOANNE Don’t call me “Jo”,
you… you… love rat! She’s wallowing in luxury compared with me!
EVELYN I’m not in the habit of
wallowing. Even if I did, it’s my luxury. I inherited the villa from mother.
She was sadly taken before her time while Charlie and I were still engaged. With
her last breath, she warned me he was up to no good. Why didn’t I listen? Now
I know why I see so little of him. He told me he was always away on business.
Not that I altogether minded. It was a relief not having him around making the
place untidy. It also left me free to entertain the bridge club and the floral
society and, most importantly, the Women’s Guild.
CHARLIE I was away on business. Honest.
JOANNE He was. I can vouch for that
since I run the business for him.
EVELYN Yes. I know he has some office
somewhere.
JOANNE In the high street, underneath
a certain poky rented flat.
EVELYN I did always imagine some mousy
secretary type. (She looks at Joanne) I see I wasn’t far out. (Joanne
bristles) Charlie Brown, most businessmen hire a secretary. They don’t marry
one.
CHARLIE But Jo… Joanne is so wonderful with the
admin. She deserved more.
EVELYN Why didn’t you just give her
a pay rise? I presume she goes with you on all your trips to Paris and Milan?
JOANNE To where?
EVELYN To the fashion houses in Paris
and Milan. All my guild ladies are so envious that I’m married to a top
designer.
JOANNE A what? Paris and Milan?
Charlie’s last business trip was to Grimsby
EVELYN Grimsby? One doesn’t
associate Grimsby with haute couture.
JOANNE (the “mousy secretary” enjoys her revenge) “One” doesn’t.
“One” associates Grimsby with Charlie’s best regular order… for vacuum
cleaners.
EVELYN (reeling from the worst blow yet) Vacuum cleaners!
CHARLIE Salesman of the year!
JOANNE You were only nominated.
CHARLIE It’s still a big honour.
EVELYN I just can’t take in what
I’ve found out today. How could you do this to me, Charlie Brown? This is
dreadful. When this gets out, I’ll never be able to face the Women’s Guild
again. Not when they hear I’ve been… (She is close to tears) I’ve been…
married to a vacuum cleaner salesman!
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Plays by
Alan Richardson