The Characters
Tam Borthwick....An
Undertaker
Maggie Borthwick....His
wife
Jock....Tam's
apprentice
William Borthwick....Tam's
brother, also an Undertaker
Isa Borthwick....William's
wife
Betty....William's
maidservant
Herbert Purves....An
Officer of the Sheriff Court
The Setting
Tam Borthwick's Funeral Parlour
The Period
1896
(Approx
running time: 40 minutes)
Sample
Scene
Tam and William
Borthwick are brothers who share the same profession, Undertakers. But they
don't share the same business. Or the same success. William's funeral parlour is
highly profitable. Tam's parlour, the setting for this play, struggles for
business and is heavily in debt.
In this scene, William, eager to hasten his brother's bankruptcy, arrives
accompanied by a court officer.
(WILL enters,
ushering in an elderly man in his sixties. He is a frail, unhealthy-looking
gentleman, dithering, and slightly crusty in appearance)
TAM Whit are we gettin noo? A premature customer?
WILL I've brought you a visitor, Tam. Allow me to introduce Mister
Purves.
TAM (attempting courtesy) Nice mornin?
PURVES Maybe. (He wanders away to have a good look around the
room)
WILL I found Mister Purves searching the street for a certain
funeral parlour with negligible business and creditors by the score. Being an
obliging person, I directed the gentleman to the only place which fitted such an
accurate description. Mister Purves is, of course, an officer of the Sheriff
Court.
TAM (blanching) The Sheriff Court?
WILL Bad debts and other trivialities.
PURVES (to TAM) Things are no sae guid, are they? You must be....
(consults papers).... Thomas Borthwick?
TAM Aye. What aboot it?
PURVES I have in my possession a writ issued against yourself on
behalf o' certain parties.... (TAM moves to the table)....in claim o'
various debts, unpaid accounts maistly.
TAM (sweeping all the papers off the table) What accounts?
First I've heard
o' it.
PURVES Dae you not take the trouble tae read your mail?
TAM I've seen nae letter. I doot the postman must have delivered it
tae the wrong address.
PURVES Three times? Permit tae refresh your memory. There is, for
example, an account from a locksmith in the High Street, the sum in question
being two pounds, eleven shillings and seven pence three-farthings.
TAM Oh, yon bill? Can they no haud on for a wee while?
PURVES They've been "haudin on" for six months.
TAM Six months, is it? Funny how time flies.
WILL (to PURVES) My brother's always been blessed with a
rare sense of humour.
PURVES He'll need it. I have here another eighteen accounts,
totalling mair than a hundred pounds.
WILL (revelling in the situation) A hundred? Would you
credit that?
PURVES Now concerning payment....
TAM Payment? Aye, well, how many weeks can they wait?
PURVES Weeks?
TAM Days then?
PURVES Payment must be immediate, or alternatively, the contents of
your premises will be auctioned by warrant.
TAM Nae other alternative?
WILL There is one. Sell to me.
TAM Never!
WILL Would you rather face the courts?
TAM Anythin, rather than sell tae you.
WILL And discredit the family name?
PURVES Come, come, gentlemen.... (He coughs heavily).... no
arguments.... (more coughs)
TAM That's a sair soundin cough you have there.
PURVES It is indeed. (Coughs intermittently) Bad for my
heart, very bad.
WILL (out with his measuring tape) The heart, you say?
PURVES My doctor is aye warning me.... (behind PURVES'S back,
WILL is busy taking measurements and muttering quietly).... tae be
careful. Take everything nice and quietly. Just yin sudden fright or shock could
be fatal.... (to TAM) Does he ayeways talk tae himself?
TAM Incessantly. It's the only way he can have a conversation at
his ain level.
Plays by
Alan Richardson
