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Pam Lawson Salver (Best Comedy Moment) for Leslie ADS at the Fife district round of the 2010 SCDA One Act festival. Runner-up
best actor award for Dave Bettles as 'Ron' for the
Lothersdale Luvvies at the |
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"Hilarious... had the audience in stitches...very,
very, funny" - Purbrook Amateur Theatre |
Published by New Theatre
Publications
Synopsis
It's London, back
in the swinging 1960’s. Newly-weds Chris and Sally Taylor are moving into
their new flat. Ron, a telephone engineer with a passion for paperwork is
installing a new telephone. But the Taylors hadn't ordered a new phone, and once
they start getting some very strange calls, they soon wish they didn't have this
one. They encounter a glamorous Russian spy, not to mention Dracula, John Wayne
and a yellow zebra, and an ordinary day becomes crazier by the minute. A play
for everybody who hates filling out forms.
The Characters
Ron A
Telephone Engineer, forties or older
Mrs Davies
Your friendly neighbour, forties or older
Chris Taylor
New occupant of the flat
Sally Taylor
His Wife, aged to match Chris
An Unexpected Female
Visitor
A bright red telephone
Non-speaking, but ringing - a lot!
The Setting: An unoccupied flat in Kensington, London The Period: Late 1960's
(Approx running time: 40 minutes)
Sample Scene
It's London in the swinging sixties. Newly-weds Chris and Sally are moving into their new flat and are surprised to find a brand new telephone installed. They're surprised because they hadn't ordered a phone. They're even more surprised when the phone immediately starts ringing and they get some very strange messages. But Mrs. Davies, an outspoken neighbour, has the perfect answer for unsolicited phone calls.
SALLY
The question is; who's going to be the first person to phone us?
CHRIS That's
an easy one. Your mother. (The phone rings)
Talk of the devil. Go on then?
SALLY No,
you answer it.
CHRIS That
doesn't sound like a true women's libber.
SALLY Please?
CHRIS OK.
(He picks up the phone) Hello...
Kensington 1-9-1-7. What?... What?... Say that again? Yes, but I don't
understand... Who's calling? Hello? Hello? (He replaces the phone) Gone.
SALLY Well?
CHRIS It
was a message. A very odd message. You're not going to believe me.
SALLY Try
me.
CHRIS "The
yellow zebra is leaving Vienna on the midnight train".
SALLY You're
right. I don't believe you. That doesn't sound like mum.
CHRIS Definitely
not. A male voice. Heavy accent. Sort of middle European.
SALLY "The
yellow zebra is leaving Vienna on the midnight train". But that's silly.
CHRIS Completely.
Everybody knows zebras are black and white.
SALLY Wrong
number? Or a hoax? Has to be.
CHRIS Possibly.
But this phone has just been connected. No one else should know our number. (The
phone rings again) Make that two. Your turn this time.
SALLY Right.
(She picks up the phone) Hello...
Kensington... (Checks the pad) 1-9-1-7.. Sorry? Have I got what? No, I haven't got any
blueprint. Are you sure you've got the right... Hello?... He just hung up.
CHRIS "He"?
Voice like Count Dracula?
SALLY No.
I'd say more like John Wayne. Said he wanted the blueprint.
CHRIS The blueprint? For
what?
SALLY He didn't say. Must have been a wrong number.
Mrs Davies' voice is heard off
MRS D Cooee! It's just me with the tea. (She enters with two mugs of tea
on a tray) Here we are.
CHRIS Thanks, Mrs D.
MRS D Are you getting yourselves organised then? (Her tone suggests that
she was expecting to see decorating in progress by now)
SALLY No, not yet. We keep getting held up by strange phone calls.
MRS D Oh. My sister in Ipswich gets those from some dirty old man
SALLY Ours talks about yellow zebras and blueprints.
MRS D That's even worse.
The kinky kind. (The phone rings) Don't you worry. I'll sort him out for you. (She picks up
the phone) Now listen here you perverted person... Oh, sorry. I do
beg your pardon young lady. Do
you wish to speak to Mr or Mrs Taylor? No? You're calling to what?... to
protest? And who is calling? From where? The CND. Very nice, dear. But I don't
think we want to buy anything from a catalogue today. What? No, I don't have any
ballistic warheads. And even if I did, young lady, it would be no business of
yours. I beg your pardon? (She slams down the phone) Impudence! I'm not having
some young whippersnapper making comments about my proliferating arsenal! You
won't hear from her again.
SALLY Probably not.
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Plays by
Alan Richardson
