Platform Party

First Performed at the Edinburgh district round of the SCDA One Act Festival, February 1984
Extensively revised, updated and re-published in 2005

Other Performances
Crossroads, Ayrshire. Glenfinnan, Highland Region. Buckhaven, Fife.
Livingston, West Lothian. Warwickshire. North Berwick, East Lothian.
Carnoustie, Angus. Arran. Creetown, Wigtownshire. Brora, Sutherland.
Lochcarron, Wester Ross. Campbeltown, Argyll. Newton Stewart, Wigtownshire.
Glenluce, Wigtownshire. Peninver, Argyll. Broadford, Isle of Skye. Montrose. Stranraer.
Ardrishaig, Argyll

Winning play, Best Production and Best Comedy for Peninver Players at the
Argyll District round of the 2008 SCDA One Act Festival.
Runner-up and Best Male Actor for the Abbey Players at the 2006 Warwickshire One Act Festival.
Best Male Actor for the Abbey Players at the 2006 Hastilow Festival.

"The play went like a dream from the moment the curtain opened... The audience were absolutely fantastic and joined in with us from start to finish. I don't think I have ever had such a good feeling about a performance after coming off stage." - John Armour, Peninver Players

It's the last night of another drama festival, but before the exasperated adjudicator can declare the winners, there are speeches galore, the raffle and problems with the new lighting board.

Mrs Madge Davenport....Chairperson of the Festival Organising Committee
Miss Rowena Evans....Presenting the trophies
Miss Cartwright....Representing the sponsors
Councillor Wilson.... Assistant Convenor of the Executive Committee of the
District Council Department of Recreation and Sport
Mr Gilbert Hamnell....The Adjudicator
John (or Jan) Mitchell....Festival stage director
Supernumeraries....As audience, club representatives and stage crew

The Setting
The stage of a theatre on the last night of an amateur drama festival

The curtains open on a tableau horribly familiar to devotees of amateur drama festivals - the last night platform party. The adjudicator is waiting to announce the winners. Gleaming trophies await those winners. The chairwoman is ready with speeches in hand, blissfully unaware that things are about to start going slightly wrong and end in total mayhem.

MADGE It would be most remiss of me not to thank those unseen and unsung people without whose hard work our festival would be impossible. Please reserve your applause until I’ve mentioned everybody.

Needless to say, Madge has a little list of those to be thanked. The others in the platform party are relieved to see that Madge’s notes are confined to one small folded piece of paper. Their relief turns to horror when that paper unfolds concertina style into a list that falls almost to the floor

First of all, I’d like to thank John Mitchell and his backstage stalwarts who have toiled enormously all week. I’m so glad that a little misunderstanding over expenses didn’t dampen their usual esprit de corps.

A raspberry is blown offstage

Ahem… yes. But backstage is only the tip of the iceberg. We mustn’t miss all our front of house helpers. Those lovely cups of coffee don’t make themselves, you know. For that, we must extend our hearty thanks to Mrs. Jarvis for her relentless work in the coffee bar. You can take it from me; she has slaved like a darkie…

Immediate reaction of disapproval from the platform party and the “plants” in the audience. Madge anxiously checks her notes

Oh, dear. Made a slight faux pas there. I should have thanked Mrs. King for the coffee bar. Mrs. Jarvis, of course, manned the box office most… manfully. Then there’s Keith Burrrows, our front-of-house manager, always so dapper in tuxedo and red carnation. And as last night’s little emergency proved, a man who can turn his hand to anything. Thank you, Keith. Now I know who to ask next time my loo needs unblocked. Let’s not forget Lavinia Blake who handled the ticket sales and advanced bookings. Our apologies to the club who were inadvertently allocated the wrong night for their block booking. We hope that seeing three plays other than your own didn’t spoil your enjoyment too much. Also, our thanks to Peter Morris for taking on the thankless task of adjudicator’s steward. I do hope, Peter, that nasty-looking black eye clears up before long. Let us also thank those charming ladies who acted as hostesses for visiting teams. Although I would add that because of a complaint by a team who claimed that some of their cast felt unwell after drinking the tea provided in their dressing room, your committee will be reviewing the practice of accepting volunteer hostesses from other competing teams. Planning and running this festival is no easy task and many of you will recall the controversy surrounding last year’s winner. My heartfelt thanks go to my committee for their unwavering support in difficult times, particularly after certain allegations were made against my good self.

“Tut, tuts” and similar shocked reactions from the platform party and the “plants” in the audience

WILSON (rising) Madam Chairperson, those responsible are out of order! Name names! (He comes forward and points to the audience) Name the alligators!

MADGE Fear not, Councillor, the “alligators” will be dealt with at our next A.G.M.

Councillor Wilson returns to his chair

Finally, I have one last big vote of thanks, to the man of the moment, our adjudicator, Mister Gilbert Hanwell… (Consults notes) Sorry… Hamnell. Don’t worry; I’ll get it right by tomorrow night.

Plays by Alan Richardson

Platform Party