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Platform PartyFirst
Performed at the Edinburgh district round of the SCDA One Act Festival, February
1984 Other
Performances Winning
play, Best Production and Best Comedy for Peninver Players at the
"The play went
like a dream from the moment the curtain opened... The audience were
absolutely fantastic and joined in with us from start to finish. I
don't think I have ever had such a good feeling about a performance after
coming off stage." - John Armour, Peninver Players
Published by Brown, Son & Ferguson Ltd Synopsis It's the last night of another drama festival, but before the exasperated adjudicator can declare the winners, there are speeches galore, the raffle and problems with the new lighting board. The Characters Mrs Madge D avenport....Chairperson of the Festival Organising CommitteeMiss Rowena Evans....Presenting the trophies Miss Cartwright....Representing the sponsors Councillor Wilson.... Assistant Convenor of the Executive Committee of the District Council Department of Recreation and Sport Mr Gilbert Hamnell....The Adjudicator John (or Jan) Mitchell....Festival stage director Supernumeraries....As audience, club representatives and stage crew The Setting The Period (Approx running time: 40 minutes) Sample Scene sThe curtains open on a tableau horribly familiar to devotees of amateur drama festivals - the last night platform party. The adjudicator is waiting to announce the winners. Gleaming trophies await those winners. The chairwoman is ready with speeches in hand, blissfully unaware that things are about to start going slightly wrong and end in total mayhem.MADGE
It would be most remiss of me not to thank those unseen and unsung people
without whose hard work our festival would be impossible. Please reserve your
applause until I’ve mentioned everybody. Needless
to say, Madge has a little list of those to be thanked. The others in the
platform party are relieved to see that Madge’s notes are confined to one
small folded piece of paper. Their relief turns to horror when that paper
unfolds concertina style into a list that falls almost to the floor First
of all, I’d like to thank John Mitchell and his backstage stalwarts who have
toiled enormously all week. I’m so glad that a little misunderstanding over
expenses didn’t dampen their usual esprit de corps. Immediate
reaction of disapproval from the platform party and the “plants” in the
audience. Madge anxiously
checks her notes “Tut,
tuts” and similar shocked reactions from the platform party and the
“plants” in the audience Yes, totally unfounded allegations by individuals who will remain nameless. But
she fixes her gaze on a particular section of the audience WILSON
(rising) Madam Chairperson, those responsible are out of order! Name
names! (He comes forward and points to the audience) Name the
alligators! MADGE
Fear not, Councillor, the “alligators” will be dealt with at our next A.G.M.
Councillor
Wilson returns to his chair She
laughs at her little joke, but Gilbert is far from amused
MADGE
If you
could continue with your adjudication, I’m sure everything’s all right now
Mister Hamlet… sorry… (She tries
desperately to get his name right) Hammock?.. Hamper?.. Hamster?… (Hastily
consults her notes) Hamnell!
So sorry! GILBERT No,
you unnatural hag! I will have such revenges on you – I will do such things
– What they are yet I know not; but they shall be the terrors of the earth! MADGE
Please, the
awards… GILBERT
Awards? You
expect me to hand out trophies? If you had a trophy for just turning up, nobody
deserves even that! I’m not giving anybody anything! You can have another
raffle and help yourselves. Yes… I will
have such revenges! What did I say about your teams? Ah, yes… “Private
Lives”…what did I say? (Checks his
clipboard notes) “The clichéd sophisticated approach replaced by an
uninhibited employment of the
vernacular?” It sounded as if you’d recruited your cast from the local bingo
hall. If you have forgotten, and it was a truly forgettable production, my point
was emphasized by Councillor Wilson’s speech. Councillor Wilson rises angrily, obviously intent
on doing Gilbert a mischief. Madge is obliged to restrain him, even though she
is sorely tempted to let him loose. As
for “The Real Inspector Hound”… “Pace not sufficiently maintained?”
Sufficiently maintained? You could have had coffee breaks between the lines. If
that wasn’t bad enough, we had the team who had the brass neck to update
Chekhov’s “The Bear”. “Slightly underprojected” did I say? It was like
watching a mime show! Gilbert is interrupted by the entrance from stage
right of one the club representatives. That representative has decided that
their team is the rightful winner of the festival, irrespective of Gilbert’s
opinion. They help themselves to the winner’s trophy, an action that prompts a
stage invasion by the other five representatives. They all pounce on the trophy
table and a debacle ensues. Elbows thrust and handbags swing as the trophies are
wrestled over. Within a few seconds, the table has been stripped bare of
everything including floral displays and tablecloth, and the spoils have been
carried off into the wings MADGE
Come back
with those trophies! GILBERT
After plumbing the depths last night, we thought tonight couldn’t
possibly be worse. How wrong we were! MADGE
Mister
Fanmail, I beg you, please stop? GILBERT
Come not
between the dragon and his wrath! (To
audience) As for tonight, words almost fail me. Where do I begin? (Check
his notes) Yes…our original play. Is there an author hiding out there? Did
the production fully capture your intention? Well, if your intention was to bore
us rigid with a piece of pretentious claptrap that was as entertaining as
visiting the dentist for root treatment, you succeeded! Then we had Pinter’s
“Dumb Waiter”… “marred by grouping problems.” This group deserve a
special award – for continual masking in a two-hander! Have I missed anyone?
Oh, yes, the ladies of the Women’s Institute, with their unique interpretation
of “Bouncers”. Ladies, here is a newsflash; the modern discothèque does not
resound to the tunes of Glenn Miller! Madge realises that everything is now beyond
control and hastily signals for the curtains to be closed. This is quickly done,
but Gilbert is not to be thwarted. He reappears via the gap where the curtains
close and continues his offensive from what he thinks is the safety of the apron As
for the overall acting standard… or should I say, substandard, the acting was
so wooden, you could all audition for Pinocchio! Through the gap in the curtains, Councillor Wilson
appears. He is followed by a reluctant John Mitchell, who is being urged on by
Madge. Wilson and Mitchell grab Gilbert and begin to drag him off
And
your sets… My six year old could do better with his Lego outfit! Gilbert
loses the uneven battle and is dragged back through the curtains MADGE
Ladies and
gentleman, I can only… But
Gilbert has shaken off his captors and reappears GILBERT As
for your producers… they’d be hard pushed to produce a tissue from a box of
Kleenex! His captors reappear
and drag him off again. There is a scuffle behind the curtains which abruptly
ends. A
highly distraught Madge summons one more smile from the depth of her reserves
To obtain a free perusal copy
directly from the author
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Plays by
Alan Richardson
Ahem…
yes. But backstage is only the tip of the iceberg. We mustn’t miss all our
front of house helpers. Those lovely cups of coffee don’t make themselves, you
know. For that, we must extend our hearty thanks to Mrs. Jarvis for her
relentless work in the coffee bar. You can take it from me; she has slaved like
a darkie…
