(ELIZABETH is scanning the personal adverts in the local newspaper)
ELIZABETH How about this one? Now how can you go wrong with a "handsome hunk"?
LIZ "Handsome hunk"? Yes. In his dreams.
ELIZABETH But he might be?
LIZ Then why does he need to advertise?
ELIZABETH True enough. Although, to be fair, the same could apply to "gorgeous sexy lady" in the next column. Let's try another. "Well built man"?
LIZ Oh, yes. Met one. He made a Japanese sumo wrestler look slim.
ELIZABETH Right. But he also has a "great sense of humour".
LIZ Laughs loudly at his own bad jokes.
ELIZABETH How about something that sounds nicer? "Shy and reserved"?
LIZ Practically catatonic.
ELIZABETH "Outdoor enthusiast"?
LIZ Cheapskate weekends in a wet tent.
ELIZABETH How about an "athletic type"?
LIZ Ah, yes. "Athletic". Now that can mean at least two things. His favourite exercise area is on top of the mattress or he wakes you up at six in the morning as he stumbles out for his daily four mile run. And avoid anything like "sports fan" at all cost. I once made the serious mistake of meeting one here. Would you believe, he turned up wearing a football team shirt and trainers? Thankfully, one of the reasons I choose this bar is because the ladies is handily placed near the back door.
ELIZABETH Liz! You didn't?
LIZ Of course. You would have done the same.
ELIZABETH I would not. I couldn't. Especially... (Back to newspaper) if he described himself as a "painter". I always fancied the artistic type.
LIZ More likely to mean emulsioning ceilings. I once replied to one chancer who said he was in the "oil business". He really was. Shame most of it was embedded under his fingernails. Turned out to be a garage mechanic.
ELIZABETH Well, he could have been handy underneath your bonnet. No? OK, back to the personals. Now this turns up a lot. "Likes pubs and wine bars".
LIZ Alcoholic. (She takes a long sip of her drink)
ELIZABETH But he likes to "keep fit".
LIZ Jogs to the pub.
ELIZABETH Here's a gent who describes himself as "fun loving".
LIZ Sex mad.
ELIZABETH And another one who's "broad minded".
LIZ Sex mad.
ELIZABETH "Easy-going"?
LIZ Sex mad.
ELIZABETH I think I'm getting the picture. "Active"?
Liz nods.
"Adventurous"?
LIZ Ditto.
ELIZABETH "Likes cosy nights in"?
LIZ You're getting the picture.
ELIZABETH And "tactile"?.. Of course. Liz, how can you cope with men who keep trying it on?
LIZ I can handle them. Besides, I've coped with worse.
ELIZABETH Worse? What could be worse than a randy date?
LIZ A date with a golf bore.
ELIZABETH No thank you. (She returns the newspaper to her bag) I'd sooner take up knitting.